Love

I am going to Hell. I will suffer for all eternity for my defiance of The Lord God. Some might argue on my behalf because I once believed, but I object to this. If this place exists, I would most certainly go there because I blaspheme the Holy Spirit, which is an unforgivable sin. Furthermore, may salvation was probably done incorrectly, considering what's become of me now.

Even if I were for some reason to not go to Hell, countless people similar to myself will. But, let's assume I'm one of them for the sake of discussion. If you're a Christian, you should probably consider some of the implications and ramifications of my fate.

One simple, curious fact of my current reality is this: no one tries to save me.

There's no shortage of reasons why this might be:

In the case of my parents, I can only wonder why they dragged me to church for so long if ultimately they want to leave me to make my own choices and actions. In their case, I'd say they've given up in the face of a situation that they have no idea how to handle. This happened essentially the very moment I revealed my nonbelief; their lack of effort speaks volumes.

It could be that people respect my beliefs and wish for me to hold them freely and comfortably. While some might appreciate this thought, it befuddles me. If I knew you had a time bomb buried in your body, I would strive to convince you of it until I knew that it was surgically removed. How much greater is my peril? This is my eternal fate! It seems selfish or cowardly not to confront me with this matter for my own good, and out of your love for me.

I understand some atheists want to be left alone. I'm not one of them; I would rather be proselytized. I would hope it wouldn't be condescendingly, not because I want to be treated gently, but because I like to think I've found friends who are not condescending people. My view is that if people request to be left alone, they should be (the law being on their side in such matters,) and if they seem to resist a topic, it shouldn't be pressed beyond what is deemed comfortable or worthwhile by the presser, at risk of the relationship; yet, if people have no aversion to a topic, and there is some relevance of the topic to them, it is better engaged than not.

Penn of Penn & Teller, outspokenly critical as he can be, recounts how touching the gift of a Bible was (please don't buy me a Bible.)

A subfactor of this possibility is that the Christians with whom I share company may simply not be the evangelistic sorts (barring, curiously, my mother, the ministry veteran, but her behavior could be documented and analyzed in such volume of text that its anomaly status here is best ignored.) Perhaps they don't talk to anyone about Christ, let alone their atheist friend. It's possible they don't enjoy talking about faith, or only enjoy it in key contexts with other faithful at regularly appointed times or places. It can be hard to enjoy daily life in "the world" with God on your mind, and this creates a duality of nature that churches struggle to address.

This fair-weather fire for God, which I accredit to things like sanity and the necessary compromises of living in a world of observable reality, is something I find preferable to fundamentalism, yet in a sense shallow and hypocritical as well. Some might wonder how I can disbelieve in God, but most of them are halfway there.

Another interesting possibility is the idea that some don't believe Hell exists. I mean, there are lots of interpretations of Christianity, but this one's steering pretty hard against the established norm. Godspeed, new age friends, and watch your backs.

Yet another possibility is that people assume I, a former professing Christian who is knowledgable and experienced in this religion, have made my choice and understand my own situation; it is up to me to rectify my own mistake because only I can renew my relationship with God. I find this logic wanting.

If a married couple separates, the husband and wife must be the ones to willingly choose to reconcile with one another, but the fact that the matter lies between the two does not divorce others from the situation in the least. After all, wouldn't a friend want to encourage them to work out their problems? Wouldn't they share stories of their own marital difficulty, or suggest sources of help or guidance? A bubble won't solve your problems; quarantining is a prevention, not a cure.

I think the final main reason (though many further could exist, and/or any combination of the above) is that the idea of talking to me about my faith seems like an unpleasant idea.

It could be because I'm so damned smart that the mere thought of engaging me intimidates others, or I could seem so stupid that engaging me would be fruitless.

I could seem so depraved and god-hating that nothing can get through my thick outer husk of chitinous sin.

I could be so enlightened that people think trying to help me find a God I don't want won't matter (though in this case the literal Hell probably isn't among their concerns) because I'm well along my way in my own 'personal journey' or some other mystical shit.

Maybe I seem condescending and degrading of their religion, and so to avoid stirring up more of my bad words, they'd rather leave the hornet's nest alone.

Maybe people aren't confident in their faith in the first place. Their own doubts and struggles render them a poor candidate to encourage anyone else to believe, and doing so could even put them at risk of losing their faith.

In any case, the idea of talking to me could seem like a difficult, painful, fruitless, predictable or uninteresting experience; in a nutshell, negative.

This could be because of my own character flaws, or a misconception of them, or the flaws of others. I don't know. For now I think I've exhausted the possibilities.

Suffice to say, I don't see many good reasons why this doesn't happen. I suppose I could be more candid about my desire to talk. I suppose I could do a lot of things other than write on this blog. But, it'll always be better than nothing.

For Christians, I guess the question to ask should be "what is love?", "should I love everyone?" and "does love require evangelism?"

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Simmering, upon itself inert,
In blessing, ever more the wasted.
Loudly crackle, foul concoction, burnt;
O, how He above abhors to taste it!